mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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