i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
