We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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