rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
