I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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