remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Couch. On fire.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
