Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
