Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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