direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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