I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
