i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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