we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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