Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
