Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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