Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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