i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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