I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize