i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
