Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
