I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
