Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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