I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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