If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
