A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
