We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
