wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
