Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
