I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
