i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
