i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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