I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
