My liver just broke up with me...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
God, I missed his penis.
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