The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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