I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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