bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
