my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
