I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
