I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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