who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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