So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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