sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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