she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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