I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
