dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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