I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
