I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
