SEEEEXXX PLEASE
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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