What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
