It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
