my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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