I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Green mimosas i think yes
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
