Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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