Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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