Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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