I'm gonna have a badass scar
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
