There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
