Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
