So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
God, I missed his penis.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
