I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
