census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
