Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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