my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
