Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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