When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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