I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
