Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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