Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My hand turned me down
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
