btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
