His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
