When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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